I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
