On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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