Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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