you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
