Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
