Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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