rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
