oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
