I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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