Your face is a jimmy john
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
