when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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