just tell him i said nine months
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
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