wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
