I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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