well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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