This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
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