winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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