Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
