Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
