I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
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i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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