I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
