you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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