the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
