NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
