she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
