direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
