You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
