Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
