first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
