I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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