I'm so fucking centered right now
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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