You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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