remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
