you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
