Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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