I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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