So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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