Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
