I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
