we have pet lesbian snakes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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