I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
