My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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