I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
