Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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