I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
