I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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