I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
