why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
