She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
