I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
