Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
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yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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