I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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