i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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