My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
