Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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