he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
