broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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